Life Lessons from Music

          I grew up listening to a mix of rock and country music. I didn’t realize at the time, but those songs taught me about love and life. They taught me what to cherish and how to live.
          For example, old rock is really good at teaching you how to love. Loverboy's This Could Be the Night taught me that sex was not just about sex but about "making love." 38 Special's Caught Up In You taught me to fight for love when it is true love! Their song Back to Paradise taught me that it is up to me to "make it real." Hold On Loosely taught me that no one, no matter how loved, wants to be smothered. Both people have to have their own lives and identities.  But Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now taught me that if you are with the one you love, the world, life's circumstances,  doesn't hold a lot of power over you. You can overcome them together. Huey Lewis' Power of Love taught me that love can hurt and it can heal. It can make you laugh and it can make you cry. It's the most powerful force on earth! When love made me cry I would always listen to The Dance by Garth Brooks. "Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain. But I'd have to miss the dance." Tom Petty's The Waiting and Diana Ross' You Can't Hurry Love reminded me that you can't force love. You have to wait till "fate leads you somewhere to the one that has your soul." just like it says in Deana Carter's That's How You Know It's Love.
           Music taught me self confidence. When I felt weak or inferior I could listen to it and raise my self confidence. For example, Martina McBride's Happy Girl taught me that "the world won't change just cause I complain." and that I had to CHOSE to be happy! Whenever I was afraid to try something new I would listen to Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks. "Life is not tried it is merely survived, if you're standing outside the fire!" 
            When I thought I couldn't do something, I failed at something, or I struggled to do something, I knew exactly what song would motivate me again! Tom Petty's Won't Back Down would immediately run through my mind! "I got just one life in a world that keeps on pushing me around, but I'll stand my ground." When I was training for my 5K I always played Paul Stanley's Live To Win while I ran. When the big day came and I was a quarter of a mile from the end of the race, I wanted to quit. But then I heard, "step by step and day by day till there's one last breath to go.."
           Sometimes I wonder if my life is really making a difference. I need a little inspiration to keep writing. I need help remembering why I write. Then I remember that I should to quote a friend, "Be a light everywhere I go." I remember what I learned from Randy Travis' Point of Light. "There is a darkness that everyone must face. It wants to take what's good and fair and lay it all to waste. And that darkness covers everything in sight until it meets a single point of light. All it takes is a point of light, a ray of hope in the darkest night. If you see what's wrong and you try to make it right, you will be a point of light."
         Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I feel like there is too much on my To Do list. I can't decide how to prioritize my time. When that happens I listen to Toby Keith's My List or Boston's Peace of Mind. It reminds me that spending time with God and my family should always come first. It reminds me to live and not just tick off tasks. After all like Billy Dean says, "We're only here for a little while." While we are on the subject, I Hope You Dance and I hope you Live Like You Were Dying. Tim and Lee Ann knew that you had to make the most of each moment because life is short and precious! Like Bon Jovi says, "It's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever."
           I grew up poor. Sometimes I think that I could have become very materialistic. But I never did. Maybe it was cause I listened to songs like Dolly Parton's Coat of Many Colors and Silver and Gold. They taught me that "Silver and gold might buy you a home, but things of this world, they won't last you long. And time has a way of turning us old. And time can't be bought back with silver and gold."
          Tom Petty's Free Fallin' is a great song to blast when you are free of something or after a break up. The guy shouldn't feel bad because he "broke her heart." But there is also nothing wrong with being the "good girl, loves her mama. Loves Jesus and America too." Every year, every September, I play Alan Jackson's Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning. It is the perfect song to lead me into the holidays. You see the holidays are about being with family and being thankful for life. Alan Jackson's song reminds me of what I am thankful for in my life. It reminds me not to take it for granted!
           I am a country girl. I was raised in the country. All the men in my family played an instrument, a stringed instrument, they "picked." I remember pow-pow playing his banjo. I remember dad playing his guitar. Even my uncle Tim playing the mandolin. All those values they raised me with are sorta wrapped up in that music. It makes me think of Alabama's Mountain Music. I remember watching the sunset from our porch all the time and the talks I had in my head and with God during them. Is it any wonder that I wanted my future to be like Tim McGraw's Where The Green Grass Grows.
          I have mentioned God and Jesus enough that you have probably figured out that I am a Christian. Sometimes I am facing a problem so overwhelming to me that I can't see how to fix it. More than once I have done stupid things I wished I could take back. My Nanny once told me with things like that you gotta "put it in the Lord's hands." If you don't know what that means just listen to Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take The Wheel.
          All this music touched my life, shaped me into who I am. It gave me strength and wisdom. Words I could call on in a time of need. Music I could express my emotion through. If my life was a movie. It would have one killer soundtrack!

Changing My YouTube

           If you weren't aware,  I also have a YouTube channel called Planet ShanChan. On that channel I would post videos about anything in my world. Apparently, that mostly was Happy Planner and Minecraft videos.
          Recently I decided the best thing to do was to split the videos into two channels. They will both be Planet ShanChan, but different topics. The original channel will be planner related videos. The new channel will be Minecraft videos. I am even going to take my old YouTube channel about Japan and add it to Planet ShanChan.
          So this is a huge process! I am actually using Procreate on my Ipad and drawing a logo and all new cover art. I have to transfer all the gaming videos to the new channel. I have to make videos explaining the changes.
           I also want every video on all the channels to have endcards. I have to changes all the links listed on Social Media. Plus, I want all future videos to have a video introduction. I am going to rethink my posting schedule AGAIN.
          I am trying to add some quality and a professional look to videos. I have bought a small green screen. In two days I am ordering some lights. Vlog style and teaching videos will be awesome now!
          I have a lot to do. This will be a work in progress. But I will communicate as much as possible with everyone!

Copyrighting My Stuff!

          When I was in high school I submitted some of my poems to a contest and got them published. Over the last few years I have been adding all my poems to a site called Booksie.com . I had been adding them there because doing so sort copyrights them. Which basically means that because they are up with my name and date they are legally visible as mine. Plus this website, unlike some, allows you to retain ownership of things you post. 

           But I wanted them to be officially copyrighted with the US government. So I found a website called copyrighted.com which helps you get your stuff copyrighted. You can also pay monthly or yearly to copyright things like this blog or your website.

           Now I'm also looking into tradmarking the name Planet ShanChan.  Then I can make products for the site with a logo on them. Plus that would be the name of my Etsy shop. So I would like to own the name and make it a brand.

          But figuring out how to do all this and reading about it makes my brain hurt! That is why I decided to use the copyrighted website. Right now I am reading about how to self publish a book. It is all so overwhelming! I think it is going to be a long process but I am super excited go through the process! 

Why I'm Always Creating Something..

           I made a decision awhile back to be a major online presence. I would have a Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, a blog, a podcast, and an Instagram. You name any social media and I would be there. I wanted to be known, to make a mark on the world! I would write poems and short stories to start. Then fantasy novels. People knew the names J.R.R. Martin, J.K. Rowling, and J.R.R. Tolkien. (Humm, maybe I need to start doing my name like S.L. McCaskill!) People would know my name. People would escape the cruelty of their daily lives and find hope and wonder inside the world I would create in their minds. That was, is, has always been, and will always be my dream!
            So I am always writing, filming, singing, and creating! Stories burst out of me and I rush to get them wrote down before they fade.  But for years now one story has been growing inside me. I think of it whenever I can daydream, as I drift to sleep, and whenever I am inspired by something. It was a way to comfort myself and escape the stress of life. But I recently decided that I had to get it out of my head and share it. That it was there because I was meant to share it.
          I use a Happy Planner to plan my life and track my son's development! It is beautiful! I love the act of planning in something pretty! It restores my soul and gives me peace! Of course, it also inspired em to start making my own customized and designed stickers!
          In high school I learned how to sew and quilt. I made a quilted baby blanket that I was SO proud of for my cousin! That sparked my interested and all I wanted to do was create quilts!
          In high school I took art and fell in love! I am always doodling and drawing and even painting or using pastels! It is amazing to watch my vision come to life!
          So why am I always creating something? Why did I want so badly to be known? Simple, while there is some pride in creating, the real reason is giving. I love to give people gifts. Especially ones I know they will love! Even more sop if they are BIG! Drawings, stickers, quilts, and stories are all me trying to give something of lasting value to the world! Something that they will treasure! That is why I am always creating!

Buying a Cricut and Designing Stickers

          Do your use a paper planner? An agenda? I use one called the Happy Planner. Lots of people use stickers in their planners. But people with the Happy Planner I feel use them more. One of the biggest draws to the planner is the fact that it is so pretty. I wanted to be able to make my own planner stickers that were specific to my life!
          At first I was designing them in Google Drawings. But when I printed them out on the sticker paper, I had to cut them by hand. My planner uses a layout that stickers are not sized to fit. I had to size them and make them special.
           Later I did a planner swap with a girl in my Facebook group. By then I had made the decision to purchase a Cricut. A Cricut is just a machine that will cut the stickers on the sticker paper and make them easy to use. It also comes with software to help you design stickers.So now I could make all kinds of custom stickers! My swap partner used a small planner that is also hard to buy stickers for that fit. I made her custom stickers that she loved my new Cricut. I posted them online and they got a lot of interest.
           People were asking to see more designs. I got Adobe Illustrator on my tablet and a fine point drawing stylist. I drew a few things and watermarked them. Then I showed them to a few people online and got a really good response. A few people asked the name of the shop where I sell them. All this made me consider opening a shop on Etsy.
          Opening an Etsy shop is exciting! The idea that I could make designs that people want in their planners makes me overjoyed! It sounds like it would be super easy too! Just a few clicks and photos and boom sales! But when I decided to research opening a shop I realized, if I treated it like a REAL BUSINESS, it would not be easy. It was going to take work! There are different requirements for each state. You have to report how much you charge in taxes, There is a decent amount of start up costs. You have to know how to get traffic to your shop. There is a whole guide on Etsy to read about how to run a successful business. You have to start your shop with product. There are tons of vids with tips.
          So for this reason, I decided I needed a business plan. So I went online and found one I could use a guide. I wrote down my purpose and all that stuff. But the big part was when I added up all the start up costs. It was over a grand! I have actually found ways to lower that cost... But eventually I decided to open a shop. I am just going to buy the stuff I need a little at a time. I got a deal on some things. Other things I am going to start with and upgrade as I make money. I am slowly making product for the launch. I have to take some paper work to the courthouse at one point.
          I really love making things for others they enjoy. If I can do that and make income, all the better! Plus, I love drawing and designing. It is therapeutic! I know setting up my shop will take time. I want to do it right! But also I just hope people love my designs! I hope that make their planning truely, Happy!
       

Stopping Procratination

          I am not sure if everyone procrastinates for the same reasons as I do. But I procrastinate for two reasons. One, I am a perfectionist. Two, I let myself be overwhelmed. I have spent the last few weeks trying my best to create a schedule for me and my son. I am attempting to stop my procrastination with a few techniques. So hopefully some of these can help you be more productive!
          I often procrastinate because I think that something has to be done perfectly. If I can't do it perfectly, then I leave it in a pile or scattered everywhere! If you insist on doing things perfectly, you never get anything done! I've had to make my peace with doing things "good enough." The crazy part is, once I do it "good enough," I usually love it! It is usually pretty close to perfect anyway! I feel really proud of what I have accomplished!
          I also very often procrastinate because I exaggerate in my mind how long it will take to do a task. I literally build tasks up so big in my mind that I feel depressed or panicked thinking of doing them. But when I put on my big girl panties and do them, they usually aren't a big deal! I am genuinely surprised at how fast I can get them done!
          I am attempting to stop my procrastination by a few different means. One, I am scheduling my tasks in my planner. I am using a Classic size Happy Planner and a mini one for on the go. When I am out and about I pen things into my mini one. It isn't about looking pretty. It is just about getting the information down somewhere. If I put things in my phone calendar I lose them. I know I can set alarms and reminders. I hate them and I always forget. Or I set them for the time of the appointment not before to remind me. Plus I like seeing everything in the month or the week. The phone shows dots on the monthly that don't tell me much. I guess I am just a paper, old school, gal! Planning in my classic at home is peaceful and calming. It is pretty and functional and makes me happy. Plus I take pics and share them on Instagram. I hashtag them and share with other Happy Planners. Sometimes I look at other people's planners for inspiration. All that beauty just fills my heart! But scheduling tasks has helped me be more productive and consistent. That progress actually motivates me to keep doing it!
          Two, I am scheduling reminders during the day in Alexa. She reminds me to take my vitamins, to do things with my son, and to do all my social media stuff. It is easy for me to get so engrossed in a task that I lose track of the time. But Alexa keeps me on track!
          Three, I am timing how long it takes to do tasks I do on a regular basis so I can accurately schedule them. If I know that a load of laundry on speed wash is a 20 minute cycle, I can actually schedule when to put it in and when to change it to the dryer. I will have no delusions about how much I can get done in a day! Plus, I won't feel overwhelmed by a load of dishes if I know I can do them all in 15 minutes!
          Four, I am repeating a saying to myself. "How fast can you get it done? There was a mess, but now there is none. You did what needed to be done. Now go have some fun!" It is just a little reminder that things don't take as long as I often think they will to do. But it is also a reminder that after I do the tasks I can enjoy the best parts of life without the guilt of procrastination hanging over me!

Catching UP!

          Hey guys! So for those of you who don't know I have a lot of things I do in social media. However, a consistent posting schedule has always been a challenge for me. However, I recently came up with one and have been sticking to it decently well until last week. I was (TMI) on my period and WAY emotional! I just couldn't get myself to function. I am so sorry! I feel terrible cause what I want most is to be able to give you content you can look forward to seeing.
          So I have been working today and will be working the next few days on content! My goal is to release everything from last week this weekend into Wednesday. Then I will release all this weeks at the normal time.
          I may be behind but I have a lot of stuff coming out soon that I think you will love! I have new Let's Play of course. But I also have some new planner videos that I can't wait to share! Also I have a new podcast that I am editing that is very personal and special! So I apologize for the delay but stay tuned for awesomeness!
          Until next time, buh-bye!

Retail Lessons

          Here are a few lessons I have learned in my 15 years of retail experience.

1. Some customers are so crazy it's easier to give them what they want and get them to leave.
2. Customers think everything should be on sale all the time or that they can haggle to get a discount.
3. If it's not tied down it will be stolen. Even if it's tied down it MIGHT be stolen.
4. Grapes have no value and can be eaten freely while shopping.
5. All electric carts will suddenly run out of power on the back aisle of the store or at the bottom of the parking lot.
6. Some coworkers are aware they are paid by the hour and will do as little as possible in that hour.
7. Thanksgiving deals are not worth the chaos in stores. Stay home and shop online.
8. Nothing ever goes back into a box as neatly as it came out of a box. Customers will want you to open a box to verify it contains all the parts but will want to purchase a closed box.
9. If you see something you want, buy it right then. When you come back it will be out of stock or discontinued.
10. Stay in your original checkout line. If you change to one that seems faster, it will have an issue that makes it take forever.
11. People get turned on by weird stuff. Some will touch or expose themselves in public.
12. If bathrooms are unavailable, people will go anywhere that is available.
13. Customers will swear that you moved items for the sole purpose of confusing them.
14. Apparel sizes mean nothing. The only way to tell if an item will fit, whether it be a t-shirt or prepackaged underwear, is to unfold it and hold it up to your body.
15. If you decide you aren't get enough stuff to bother with a cart, you will be dropping items all the way back to the front to go get a cart or check out.
16. Customers will make any mess or cause you any inconvenience and justify it by saying it's job security for you.
17. Nothing is actually non-refundable. It just requires a big enough manager's approval.
18. Blizzards, loss of power, bomb threats, and child labor all are meaningless when a customer "has to get" their items. They will refuse to evacuate the store. They will refuse to go to the register until they have everything they "need." They will even give birth in the store for fear of not being able to purchase Newborn diapers before they go to the hospital.

          These are just a few retail lessons I have learned. Feel free to discuss your experiences with them or other lessons learned in the comments below.

I'm Literally Terrified to Watch Thrones

           Game of Thrones is somehow one of those shows that has captured my heart! I know that the books and the show are known for brutally killing characters and doing the unthinkable. Still I can't wait for each new episode. It's like a horror movie with lots of gore, you know the horror to come but can't look away!
          How do they trap you into liking characters that you know are going to be wiped out?  Why is it that some of our favorite characters are the ones we hate? How is it that you can overlook the worst flaw and decisions of the characters you like the most?
          So tonight with half the nation or more, I will be on the edge of my seat to see what happens with Jon Snow and Daenerys. But I fear the worst. I foresee see death, stolen babies, and lots of tears! With just a couple of episodes left in this last season, I foresee beloved characters dropping like flies. If anyone makes it out alive to take the throne, we will be lucky. Theories all over the internet guess who will live and who they will love. But in the fight against the white walkers I am unsure if any will live. We may see a white walker king. There maybe be no physical throne left for anyone to sit upon. One internet theorist, matpat from Film theory, says that humanity doesn't deserve to live. He says we have fought petty battles instead of coming together to face a threat. In a sense he is correct. Although it is hard to think that about characters we have come to love as unworthy of life. 
          I plan to have lots of tissue and my hubby to cling to for tonight's episode. I just wonder if when the show ends if I will be a sad, pessimistic, and depressed mess. If everyone I love dies will I regret watching the show in the first place? In a way watching these characters die will be like mourning the loss of an actual loved one. I just hope I am comforted by the time we got to spend together.
          Either way, however the show ends, Games of Thrones will be talked about for years to come. George R.R. Martin has certainly left a legacy in this world!     

I believe life begins...

         Well I believe that there is potential life anytime an egg is fertilized. But that is not technically life. Still I have heard people say that IVF, in vitro fertilization, wastes life because each unused embryo has unique DNA. I don't think that embryos should be wasted. They all have the potential for life and that is precious and amazing. But they are not life yet. Also fertilized eggs in women do not always lead to a pregnancy. Some pass through the body. Some are unfortunately attached in the Fallopian tubes instead of the uterus. I believe these fertilized eggs were potential life. If my beliefs on life were purely science based, I would be very upset about the loss of these potential lives. However, instead I see them as disappointing and their loss as a shame but not as death or murder. This view is because I have a religious view of life. Although it is not the typical pro-life view that life starts at conception.

          I believe that life actually starts at implantation. You see I believe that God gifts a mother with a child. I believe that he has a divine purpose for everyone that lives. I believe that implantation is how God indicates that this is now life; that he has now bestowed a soul upon the baby growing in your womb. 

          You see embryos with unique DNA, that is something man has managed to figure out a way to engineer. But even after you put embryos in a woman with IVF, only God can cause them to implant and grow. He is still the only giver of life! Those tubal births and passed eggs, those seem like mistakes, and I don't believe God makes mistakes! 

          Some people who I tell my beliefs, ask me how I feel about miscarriages. Are those mistakes? Were they alive? Were they a child sent by God? No child is ever a mistake! Yes they were sent by God! We may not understand why they were only with us for a short time, and only in the womb, but they still were here for a divine purpose. They were still a gift to the mother!

          Thus like all the other pro-life people I believe that abortion is murder. You can't allow even a 6 week abortion. In most cases by the time a woman knows she is pregnant, implantation has already occurred. That pregnancy is no longer just a fertilized egg. It is now a growing baby. In most cases by the time that the woman goes for her first doctor visit the baby has a beating heart. 

           I can't stand to hear ladies say that babies are parasites who feed off of a mother! They argue that their inability to live out of the womb makes them non-living and eligible for termination. The relationship of mother and child is a nurturing one. The mother is supposed to nurture and care for the child. The return of love from the child is evident even while the child is in the womb. Unborn children know their mothers voice and respond to it. It is not like the child is an alien sucking the life force out of the mother! 

          Pro-choice people always give the example of a raped women being forced to carry the child of her attacker. The reason this is so hard for these women is because of a lack of relationship with the Lord. You see God has this amazing way of taking the evil and foul deeds that the devil has committed and turning them into something amazing! That is His grace, His glory. God can take any situation that sin or evil has brought about and turn it into something inspiring! But for Him to do that you have to know Him. You have to let Him work in your life. Children born of rape should not be spit upon! They should be celebrated! People say that because their father was a bad person, and they share the same DNA, that they will also be a bad person. But DNA does not determine the righteousness or sinfulness of a soul. Believing that DNA dictates the type of person that child will become is another instance where we believe in man over God! But if a woman absolutely cannot bring herself to raise that child, there are families all over that are desperate to adopt! If she can't value that life, there are lots of families that would cherish it!

          Pro-choice people are always saying that women should use contraception. They argue that a woman should have the right to choose if she is ready to become a mother. What they forget is that at the point a woman becomes pregnant, she has already made that choice. When you choose to be sexually active you are agreeing to risk getting pregnant. No contraception is fool proof. By being sexually active you  are agreeing to take that risk. Abortion should not be a back up plan B form of contraception. 

          I don't believe that we should teach our youth that you can have sex without consequences. Everything you do in life has consequences! We should be teaching are youth to be responsible, to understand the consequences of their actions, and to value all life!

Minecraft Rap

I wanted to write a Minecraft parody or a cool new Minecraft song. This rap was just what came out when I sat down to write.

I'm a scientist brewing up potions

I got regeneration and invisibility

I'm lumber jack chopping down the trees

My silk touch catches all the leaves

I'm a wizard enchanting items

I got level 30 enchantments on everything I own

I'm a farmer with a hoe

Sprinkling on the bone meal to make it all grow

I'm a railroad engineer

I've laid a million miles of track

I'm a knight in shining armour

I fight the zombies back

I creep up on the creepers

I can shoot a skelaton from 50 blocks away

I swim like a fish and build cities underwater

I beat down every drowned and hunt for sunken treasure

I'm a redstone mechanic

I make everything automatic

I'm the the major of my village

I'm the the owner of the Realm

I'm the Queen of my Minecraft world

What you guys think? My hubby says I need to quit playing because the game has gone to my head! I already knew I had a God complex!

Ghosts and Demons

When I was in middle school I didn’t know what I
believed. I was young and I had just became a Christian
but I had not read all of the Bible. I also had not studied
any other religions. I didn’t even understand the different
Christian church denominations. I had not experienced
the loss of a loved one. So the concepts of heaven and
hell were strange to me. Then there were all these things
like angels, guardian angels, demons, ghosts, and spirits.
It was a lot to try to figure out.

         At that time there were a few big movies about
demons and ghosts. Over the coming years there would
be a flood of movies about them. I also had family that
showed me shows like Highway to Heaven and Touched
by an Angel. At first demons were something I thought of
as only in hell. So they didn’t scare me. But ghosts were
scary because they seemed to be something that people
couldn’t agree on how to define. Were they the minds of
those that had passed? Or were they just an image,
leftover energy from a human that passed? Or were they
some other kind of thinking thing that was here and
yet not here? Sometimes ghosts were seen and
sometimes they were not.

         While I was growing up everyone said that I was
very sensitive and compassionate. One lady called me
empathetic and intuitive. I was always good with people. I
was good at forming relationships. I was a peer counselor.
I used to laugh at how much I really fit the description of my
sign, Aquarius. Then one day I meet a guy writing a book
about ghosts. He told me that my “sensitivity” would make
me more likely to see and feel the paranormal. I didn’t know
what “paranormal” meant. He explained and then asked me
if I had ever experienced anything that might be explained
by ghosts or psychic ability. A few things came to mind.

         Ever since I can remember I have had dreams that
are interrupted by small dreams that don’t go with them.
For example, one night I had this wild dream a killer was
chasing me through my middle school. But when I ran in
the cafeteria, the part where the lunch tables go was the
side of a mountain. It was covered in trees. I ran in the
trees to escape the killer. But as odd as the mountain was
to be there, it was part of the dream. The next night I had
the same dream but as I ran down the hall toward the
cafeteria door the school disappeared. I saw a sheet of
paper with four history questions on it. I remember thinking
that one question was going to surprise the class. Then I
was again in the school headed to the cafeteria. The next
day in history the teacher announced a pop quiz. As the
paper lay on my desk, I looked down to see the quiz from
my dream and the question that would stump most of the
class. I got a 100.

         In middle school I was a latch key kid. I was always
home before my parents. Where we lived there were a
number of homeless people. As I came home one day, I
was weirded out unlocking the front door. For some reason
I felt I should leave. I went next door to my neighbors house.
Later my dad told me that a homeless man had been in the
kitchen eating our food. He had broke into the basement.
Somehow I had just sensed the danger and left.

         I had always just known before the phone rang that
someone was calling, I once took my mom the phone and said
it was her friend Melony before she had called. Just as mom
looked at the phone confused, it rang.

         On my sweet sixteen bday I had a sleepover with two best
friends. I woke in the middle of the night. I was hearing footsteps
in the hall. I was scared and woke the other girls. We all walked
to the hall and looked. We all saw something that sent us running
back to the bedroom. Our screams woke my mom. We apologized
and said we would go back to bed but we could not sleep. We
were afraid that we would lie and just agree with each other about
what we saw in the hall. So I had us each write it down on paper.
We all saw an old man in overalls with a red and black plaid shirt
at the end of the hall near the bathroom. He was kind of standing
half in and half out of the bathroom door. He wore a blank
expression on his face. Still all of us felt that he was almost soot
covered. My step father later revealed that an old man burned
himself to death in the hall. All the floor had to be replaced and he
got the house for cheap from the family.

         In middle school I kept going in this one bathroom and when
I was alone in the stall, the sink would turn on full blast. I would
wash my hands quickly and run out.

         When I took Psychology in high school we studied auras. My
teacher said that she would give extra points on the next test to
anyone that could see her aura. She had previously had someone
tell her about hers. For some reason I was determined that I
would see it. I had no clue how to see one. But I heard her say that
your body puts out the most heat and energy from your loins and your
head. So I started staring at her head. At first she was pacing and
talking. But after awhile she sat on the edge of her desk in front of the
white board. At first I saw a white light rise over her head like the sun.
Then around it I saw a light yellow colored light. I was startled. Had I
really seen it? I had to of seen it. What else could be causing what I
saw? I had no clue what she had been lecturing about anymore. I just
raised my hand. When she called on me I said in a low voice, “It’s yellow.”
She looked at me with her mouth hanging open. Then she laughed and
said yes. The whole class broke into chaos. They forced me to explain

what I had seen and how. We spent the rest of the class with others
trying to do the same.

         There was a period in high school where witch stuff was popular.
My friends and I pretended that we were in a coven and we had inside
jokes about spells. We played a game once called “Light as a feather,
stiff as a board.” But we never believed it was real.

         The ghost book author laughed when I told him all of my
experiences. He told me that I should be ghost hunting. He wanted me
to go do things with him after graduation. I declined. But the idea that I
was more “sensitive” to ghosts bothered me. I asked my aunt about it
and she told me she didn’t believe in ghosts. She said that she thought
if a person came back it was as a good spirit or guardian angel. She
said that ghost images were just left over electrical energy from our
bodies. She said that if it had thought it was actually a demon. She said
that demons would look like ghosts to freak us out. Then I got really
freaked out about demons attacking me since I was “sensitive.” My
grandmother and aunt told me that as a believer in Jesus I could cast out
demons in his name.

         This temporarily made me think that I was bulletproof and demons
couldn’t hurt me. One day the school had a bonfire party as part of our
school spirit. Someone had a real Ouija board. It was hand carved and
everything. Supposedly something was carved on the bottom but you
could never see it. Feeling fearless I played with the board. I put it on
the hood of a car and we used it. We each accused the other of moving
the pointer. I wanted to see the bottom. I tried to flip the board. It acted
like it was made into the hood of the car. It felt like it weighed a ton. I
couldn’t flip it. It freaked me out, but I figured it was a trick. I later
remember bragging that the wood must of had magnets in it. Later my
brothers and sisters had one that was the board game. We were using
it and asked for a sign that someone was there. A book flew off a
bookcase and we all ran out of the room. \For awhile my sister was like
glue to me. She kept saying she was seeing an old lady in black clothes.

         I got so paranoid that when I was home alone, I would not just walk
into an empty room. I would reach around the wall and flick on the light.
Then I would loudly scream, “In the name of Jesus I cast thee out,
Demons!” I finally confessed my fear to my aunt and she said that I could
ask God to make me INsensitive to spiritual stuff. So I did. I prayed to stop
being sensitive. I stopped watching horror movies. I just stopped
acknowledging spiritual things. Unfortunately, I also stepped back from my
relationship with God some too.

          Years later I reopened my heart to God. I also then lost some people
I held dear, including my dad. Each time I woke in the middle of the night
aware something was wrong. Later I got the call that they had passed. I did
this four times with loved ones. Once while married my sister in law moved
into a house. I couldn’t go in the house. It made my skin crawl. I felt like
something in me was screaming at me, like it was mad at me for being there.
I felt like someone was saying, “This is my house. Get out.” I told my sister in
law about it. Turns out that My husband’s grandmother died there. My sister
in law read that burning sage in the house would cleanse the spirits there. I
sorta laughed and shrugged like that was silly. But after she did it, I didn’t
feel anything there anymore.

           Then I had my son. I know that I was on drugs. But at the hospital, my
husband, my son, and I were sleeping and something woke me. I looked
towards the door, still groggy. I could have sworn that three men were there. I
knew that one was my dad and one was my grandfather. I was confused as to
the identity of the third man. As I came to full awareness I realized that the men
were not there, in the flesh, and I felt altogether. But they had been there.
I was certain that they had been there. I started to cry. My dad had come to get
an up close look at his grandson.

         So what do I believe now? I believe that my dad’s spirit didn’t leave without
saying goodbye to my youngest brother. I believe he saw his grandson. I believe
that I am empathetic and caring. I believe in God and Jesus. I think that I have
experienced a lot of strange things in my life. Beyond that, I STILL don’t know
what to believe.